Acudits 1-20

Escolta | Baixa

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket." The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

Índex

Escolta | Baixa

A Scotsman, an American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you to the back room and you get laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

Índex

Escolta | Baixa

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

Índex

Escolta | Baixa

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are out in a field. The priest says, "Let's draw a circle on the ground and throw our money into the air. Whatever lands outside the circle, we keep; whatever lands inside the circle, we give to God."

The minister says, "I have a better idea: we only keep what lands INSIDE the circle."

The Rabbi says, "Tell you what: let's just throw the money up, and whatever God wants, he can keep."

Índex

Escolta | Baixa

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!" The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

Índex

Escolta | Baixa

A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..." The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Índex

Escolta | Baixa

An FC Barcelona fan was enjoying himself at the game at the Camp Nou, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together. "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."

Índex

Escolta | Baixa

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. He looked around him nervously and asked: "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" The cousin smirked and replied, "It depends on how fast you carry the flashlight."

Índex

Escolta | Baixa

Four rabbis used to argue theology together, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after losing three to one again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "O, God!," he cried, "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!" It was a beautiful sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four rabbis. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds often form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again. "O, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very, very big sign, but just as he said, "O, God...," the sky turned pitch-black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIGHT!" The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?" "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's three to two."

Índex

Escolta | Baixa

Three women are in a locker room of a health club dressing to play racquetball when a man runs through wearing nothing but a bag over his head. Seeing his cock, the first woman says, “Well, he is not my husband.”

The second woman says, “No, he isn’t.”

The third woman says, “He isn’t even a member of this club.”

Índex

Escolta | Baixa

Armed robbers burst into a bank, line customers and staff against the wall and begin to take their wallets, watches and jewelry. Two of the bank employees are among those waiting to be robbed. Suddenly one of them thrusts something in the other’s hand. The other employee whispers, “What’s this?”

The first employee whispers back, “It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”